yesterday was a memorable day. yep, would be a lie if i said i wasnt happy yesterday. it felt good and it felt right. i really did enjoy his company. he is funny, he is cute, he makes me laugh. I was a bit disappointed at first but then he made it up in the end. (damn maybe i am easy to please). Plus, I love the book(chicken soup for dog lovers) and the card that he gave me. oh and the other gifts too. :)

But now this gets me thinking. maybe this came at the wrong time. it came at the same time that I finially got an opportunity that I have been waiting for. a dream that I wanted since before. I am facing it and soon will be a reality, but now I get cold feet. I dont know anymore if i want it. I'm scared of starting anew, I'm scared of doing this differently. Something out of my routine. I'm dead scared that maybe deep inside, this is not what I want at all. i'm scared that maybe james is right, i cant have it both at the same time. (why cant i have it both, a career and a chance to love?)

i'm so confused now that I just want to runaway and hide for awhile. Take time to think all about what is happening. I never felt this way. I just want to sulk in a corner and cry. why the heck am i scared? I've always been strong. I've always know what i want, how come now i have hesitations? how come now that it is within reach, i'm afraid to take hold of it?

i scared shitless, i'm confused, i'm depressed. i dont know what i want anymore. i just dont know what to do anymore...

i was happy yesterday .. really happy, then reality hit be fast and hard. (in the end, i do just want to be happy)




....
i want this opportunity, a chance to stay here at a longer term. but i also want to be loved again. I missed being taken care of. I missed having someone to talk to. talking about dreams, problems, issues, sweet nothings anything under the sun. I miss having someone to hold hands with. I miss having someone to love.

I got this fortune from a fortune cookie last sunday (this is when i ate at the china buffet after snowboarding.. oh yeah that was fun. ^^) ... anyways it say this "To love and to be loved is a blessing." Yeah, i believe in that. It is a blessing to love someone and it is a miracle to be loved back.

... maybe i deep inside, i do still want my career now but in the end i just want love and be loved again. i just dont know when that will happen. I just pray that it will happen...